A friend who has let you down, a relationship where you have let down the other, a son who will not speak with his father, a mother who cannot forgive her daughter…
All of us have ‘incompletions’. An incompletion in a relationship is one where something critical is left unsaid. It normally takes the forms of: ‘I am sorry,’ ‘Thank you!’ or ‘I forgive you.’ We hold back, thinking – ‘why should I say it first?’, or ‘I was right – I will not apologise’. But the reality is, incompletions take their toll on us, the withholders of the communication. And the longer we wait to complete, the heavier the burden becomes for us – and the more difficult to complete.
Incompletions are like blocks in the heart. They are energy drainers that prevent us from being fully functional and effective in life. They also drain the energy in the space that we operate in and impact our environment as well as people around us. We may think that our incompletion is only in one relationship but the truth is that it forms a callous around all our relationships and doesn’t allow them to flourish.
Expression releases this block and energises us. Whenever we express whatever we are holding within us, we are lighter and ‘emptier’ and ready to participate fully and effectively in life again. In this context expression can mean saying ‘thank you’ or ‘sorry’ or ‘it’s alright – I forgive you’ (to forgive another or ourselves). Honest expression will help us complete and free us to become more effective.
There are simple exercises that can support completion but the first requirement is the willingness – even the urge – to complete!
When we do complete, we suddenly realise how simple it was – and how relieved and ‘lighter’ we feel – almost as if a physical load has been lifted off our chests.
Is there someone you need to complete with? Do this simple exercise:
First, write down your communication to that person.
Then, read it over to make sure that:
- It is honest
Unless we are willing to be completely honest we shouldn’t undertake completion at all. There will be no completion if we simply say the words. And if we are honest, we do not need any words! Just a hug will say it all:-) So, reflect. Are you ready to do this? To say it honestly? Then go for it.
- It is complete and nothing is withheld
Once you have decided to complete honestly, write it all down. After all, for the moment you are only putting it down on paper. Say what you saw/ did/ heard/ and what you interpreted that to be and what it did to you – how you felt about it. Say why you are now keen to let go. Make your apology, or accept and forgive. Stay honest.
- It is fair, not apportioning blame or taking it on
Make sure again, that in the garb of completion you are not laying any blame at the other person’s door. Watch out for the wily ‘but’.
‘I am really sorry but you know…’
‘I know you were right but…’
Don’t gather any blame on yourself too.
‘I am so stupid…’
‘It’s all my fault…’
Now, check how you feel after writing it all down. The key to knowing you have got it right is the feeling you have about it. Do you feel light? Do you feel like skipping and dancing? Are you smiling? Do you feel a little weepy? Do you feel like you should have done this a long time ago? Well, the chances are you are complete..
And now, deliver the communication!
Yes, it can seem scary, but that is the logical end to the completion exercise – and you do want to let the other person also be completeJ
You can choose to deliver it via any personal mode of communication but of course face-to-face is the best. If you cannot do that (because the person is far away and cannot be met), then deliver it by phone. If that is not possible use a personal letter. Make sure the communication has reached.
Completion can also happen with someone who has passed away. In such a case, close your eyes in a quiet space and bring their image up in front of you. Then deliver the message.
That is all. It will seem important to receive a response, and if you have been honest and truly sorry or forgiving, the response will come. Maybe not in words, but in other ways that let you know there is completion there as well. Sometimes the initial response may even be rejection of your completion. Don’t worry. As long as you have been genuine in your effort and feel complete within yourself the completion will come from the other side too. And it does not matter if you receive no response.
Once you experience the benefit of completion, take it to all your relationships – make sure each one is complete. Like cleaning out our homes of garbage and dirt, completion will clean our hearts and make us light again – ready to engage in relationships fully once more. Take a few minutes at bedtime every night – search for incompletions and make sure you act on completing them right away.
All the best! Stay happy:-)